whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
