i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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