i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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