Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
