I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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