I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
