i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
