I'm so fucking centered right now
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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