What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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