got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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