My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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