That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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