Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
