I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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