I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize