You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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