I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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