Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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