apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The uberlube is also flammable
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
