i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
