I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
