So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
