My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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