I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
