my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
