my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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