There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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