so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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