You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
