It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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