Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He did a backflip because drugs
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