i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
