there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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