there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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