Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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