I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
