you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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