What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
