Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
