You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
