come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
do herpes really smell.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
