Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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