So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
