You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
