you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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