Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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