I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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