you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Someone shattered a urinal.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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