if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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