life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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