The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I have surprise drugs for everyone
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
