he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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