two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
