to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
