hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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