Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize