I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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