Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So many bounce houses so little time
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
