Umm I'm too high to move.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
