she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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