I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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