There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
