my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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