Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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