Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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