sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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