I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
